


Who is Your Greek God or Goddess Parent?

by AlixxBlack



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Flirty, Fluffy, Funny, Gen, Greek gods, M/M, buzz moy, greek goddesses, moderate amounts of swearing, quiz fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 17:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13416579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlixxBlack/pseuds/AlixxBlack
Summary: Spending the night in, the gang decides to take an online quiz to figure out who their Greek God or Goddess parent "really" is, and it is wild.!!WARNING!! There is a fair amount of swearing, hence the teen and up rating.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ouranose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouranose/gifts).



> The quiz questions were inspired by Buzz Moy's quizzes that can be found at the following addresses:  
> Greek God: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKwf5RGVjVo  
> Greek Goddess: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb7xDZygeZY&t=276s
> 
> I used the same answers and scoring system as seen on Buzz Moy, but I reworded the questions to make them more interesting to read for the characters.
> 
> Also, as one would expect, the characters and general concepts are borrowed and reworked from the original text by Rainbow Rowell titled "Carry On."
> 
> I'm not claiming anything for profit. Buzz Moy has some fun quizzes if you're looking to pass the time doing simple, low energy activities.
> 
> Please enjoy - whatever this thing is that I wrote for the world to read if they should dare.

** SIMON SNOW **

* * *

 

**WHICH ANIMAL WOULD MAKE THE BEST COMPANION?**

_-bear_

_-eagle_

_-cat_

_-dog_

_-wolf_

* * *

 

Agatha thought it would be really great for us to get together for drinks, right, and since none of us really felt up to actually going _out_ for drinks – we’ve decided to stay _in_ and drink cheap wine. Even Baz is trying to drink a little bit. And while we’re drinking, you know, we decided to take quizzes.

 

Penny found the quiz. “Which Greek God is Your Father?” she eads enthusiastically. We were all going to take the same quiz but there is a separate one for “Which Greek Goddess is Your Mother,” so Baz and I are doing this quiz together while the girls do theirs together. I am surprised that Baz is so into it. He has a notepad ready to keep track of my points. It is wild.

 

“I call bullshit,” I say lamely. “Wolves and dogs are basically the same thing.”

 

“WRONG!” Penny shouts in protest from the couch, twisting her body to ensure that her voice is as loud as it can possibly be. I roll my eyes and decide to be realistic. “Eagle.”

 

“Really?” Everyone asks simultaneously. They don’t seem to realize that I’m kind of lazy? I don’t like the upkeep. My response is kind of genius, I think. “Eagles don’t require a lot of maintenance and can be left outside. Plus, aren’t they endangered? I don’t even have to really worry about someone killing it.”

 

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE WORDS BEST DESCRIBES YOUR PERSONALITY?**

_-emotional_

_-passionate_

_-positive_

_-destructive_

_-vengeful_

 

* * *

 

“Aw, come on, none of those words describe me!” I whine playfully. I already know which one describes me best and I don’t want to admit it out loud to anyone. At least not yet, anyway, because I’m just luck to have these friends right now. Agatha left for awhile – she didn’t even plan on coming back to visit until I found her online and told her to come back. Before she was my girlfriend, before she was my ex-girlfriend, before she had a crush on Baz and made me feel awful, she was my friend.

 

So in my head, I whisper it to myself: _destructive._ I’m not outwardly destructive, though, only inwardly. I tear myself apart and I ruin everything I love in my head. I’m a proper mess. Fortunately, I don’t have to answer this one because Penny answers it for me. “Mark him for ‘emotional,’ Baz.”

 

I don’t like hearing it but at least I don’t have to tell anyone what I really feel about myself. I figure one fudged response won’t mess up the whole quiz. Right?

 

* * *

 

**WHAT COLOR EYES DO YOU HAVE (OR WHAT COLOR CONTACTS WOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAD THE CHOICE)?**

_-black_

_-blue_

_-brown_

_-golden_

_-white_

* * *

 

Easy. “Blue.”

 

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE SUPER POWERS/ABILITIES DO YOU MOST DESIRE?**

_-perfect memory_

_-invisibility_

_-possession_

_-telepathy_

_-shapeshifting_

 

* * *

 

Right away I know that I have no interest in having a perfect memory – I would actually really like the ability to forget all of my life, mostly. So definitely not that one…

 

And I feel like telepathy is bad news too. Scratch it off too.

 

“What the hell even is possession?” Baz asks me, as if I would have an idea what the author of the quiz was thinking when they made it. In the most ‘me’ way possible – I snort and shrug my shoulders while sort of bobbing me head in a weird yes-no circle. “Not a clue.”

 

Baz looks up at me, glaring fireballs I swear it, and makes the most obvious remark I think I’ve ever heard. “Don’t pick that one, Snow.”

 

Penny and Agatha echo his sentiment.

 

Invisibility won’t really do me any favors, so I flick my tail behind me and grin. “Shapeshifting.” They’ve grown on me, but I definitely wouldn’t mind just being a normal boy again. Or man, I guess, now. Am I even ready to be a man?

 

* * *

 

**DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PLANET FROM THIS LIST?**

 

_-jupiter_

_-vulcan_

_-mars_

_-pluto_

_-neptune_

 

* * *

 

“Vulcan isn’t even a fucking planet,” Penny groans in what I’m confident is genuine pain. I mean, if me – the dumbest one in the room – knows that Vulcan isn’t a planet then… Wow? It must be pretty rough for a smart person to heart that.

 

I sort of laughed at it, like ‘oh they’re serious what donkeys,’ and then moved on.

 

I don’t have a favorite planet, by the way, especially not from this list. By default, I would have to say Earth is my favorite planet. I live here. I do not live at other planets, and normal science has continually suggested that we cannot live on other planets either (and if we could, I would be there surrounded by strangers that don’t already know what a lame person I am).

 

“Fucking,” I swear into my hands, balled in fists against my lips. Blowing out onto my fingers to create heat that I don’t need for reasons I don’t understand, I just blurt one of the planets out. “Neptune?”

 

This test is going to be _so_ fucking _accurate_.

 

Not.

 

A not joke. I laugh at it while Baz tallies my points on the paper. I think he’s judging me.

 

That’s a lie.

 

I _know_ he’s judging me.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH DOMAIN WOULD YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE CONTROLLING?**

 

_-fire_

_-thunder_

_-sea_

_-sun_

_-war_

 

* * *

 

Are these domains? I mean, I don’t think that they’re domains.

 

Are they domains? I want to ask.

 

Baz’s face says I should know what the question means so I’m not asking. Fuck, I’m awful at this. Whoever my Greek God Dad is – he’s disappointed as fuck in me.

 

Good thing he will be in good company, I guess. “I mean, war, I guess. I’m always at war inside my head anyway.”

 

Why did I just say that out loud?

 

“Simon,” Agatha says in a sort of awkward voice that assures me that I really did just make everyone as uncomfortable as I thought I did. “You need to see someone about that.”

 

Yes, Agatha, I really do, but that wasn’t supposed to come out of my mouth. So I change my answer. “Thunder. It’s harmless. I’m harmless. It makes sense.”

 

Baz wiggles his nose and his eyebrows. I don’t know what answer he tallies for me but I’m not arguing. I stopped taking this seriously on question two.

 

* * *

 

**BE HONEST, WHICH GREEK GOD IS YOUR FAVORITE?**

_-zeus_

_-poseidon_

_-hephaestus_

_-ares_

_-apollo_

 

* * *

 

“Simon, do you even know any the myths for these gods?” Agatha jokes. Penny asks it again, though. Not as a joke.

 

So with a straight face, and my best baritone, I make it look as if I do have a clue. “Hephaestus. For obvious reasons.”

 

There are no obvious reasons. I have no fucking clue.

 

* * *

 

I’m about to grab the paper and the computer from Baz’s hands but he wags his finger at me. Apparently there was a conversation about not sharing what everyone got until everyone finishes the test. So I guess I have to wait to find out how laughable these quiz results really are…


	2. Chapter 2

** AGATHA WELLBELOVE **

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE COLORS DO YOU LIKE BEST?**

_-blue_

_-red_

_-black_

_-violet_

_-green_

 

* * *

 

“What a pathetic question,” a groan erupts from Penny. She hates ‘vain’ and ‘material’ questions like this. I know this to be true because she’s whining about it right now under her breath – as if I can’t here her. Ignoring her negativity – I answer very confidently. “Green. It matches my skin in nearly every shade.”

 

If you can look good in a color, you have to like it, right?

 

* * *

 

**IF YOU WERE A GODDESS, WHICH OF THESE DO YOU THINK YOU COULD RULE OVER?**

_-love_

_-fire_

_-fertility_

_-marriage_

_-war_

 

* * *

 

Simon laughs. “Not marriage.”

 

I know he’s making a jab about me for flirting with Baz when we were still together.

 

“Not love either,” Baz echoes.

 

Not sure what I saw in him, honestly. I know I just wanted something different and I chose Baz because it was easy. No matter where Simon was – there his roommate would be not far behind. Where there was a Simon Snow, there would be a Baz Pitch that follows. Like some sort of stupid kid’s book except with two gay dudes who are a vampire and an almost-dragon respectively. I kind of hate how cute they are because I want to be that cute with someone.

 

I can’t say fire because I know Baz is all about that fire domain. Also, I am kind of scared to death of fire. Why did I think Baz was a legitimately good choice for crush material again? Sometimes people lose their damn minds, seriously.

 

So I guess I have to consider which more accurately fits my personality: fertility or war? As I think about Lisa, and all the feelings I got from knowing her love story with Davvy, there’s only one right answer for me. “Fertility,” I sigh.

 

Lisa wanted to be a good mom, I know she did, and if I could give women the chance to be the mothers they desperately wish to be – then I could do that with power over fertility. I mean, I know it encompasses more than that, but being able to do that one thing is extremely important to me so – “Fertility, for sure.”

 

* * *

 

**WHICH SYMBOL WOULD MAKE A GOOD LOGO FOR YOUR ACTIONS?**

 

_-minimalist dove_

_-minimalist owl_

_-maybe a sign for wheat, maybe a sign for a flower_

_-a pagoda looking shape_

_-a female symbol being birthed from an asterisk_

* * *

 

“Can I see the shapes?” Penny rolls her eyes, of course, because I should know what all of these shapes look like. I will probably recognize a couple of them because, honestly, I do read articles about astrological signs. I know it’s nonsense but I’m just slightly addicted to the hubbub of it all.

 

As I look at these shapes, all of which are not impressive in the least, I kind of find myself thinking – _which of this ridiculous shapes could turn into a mistake tattooed onto my body?_ This actually makes the question easier to answer. Even though I’m making peace with my choice as I share the answer, I still know it is the right one for me. “I would get that wheat-or-flower-who-knows symbol on my foot probably.”

 

“You owe me five bucks, Snow,” Penny cackles, throwing her left hand into the air with her phone tightly clasped inside of it. I guess they were making bets about which one I’d pick. If I’m being fair, Penny could probably take this test for me and get the same answer. She’s so smart, and she knows it, but I don’t think she really realizes how naturally smart she is – in a totally frightening way, no less.

 

* * *

 

**BIRDS! WHICH BIRD WOULD YOU KEEP AS A PET?**

_-peacock_

_-eagle_

_-dove_

_-owl_

_-parrot_

* * *

 

Honestly, I don’t really know why I’m shouting eagle and flapping my wings, but Simon’s cheeks turn fire engine red. It gives that hair of his an almost dull shade, which only makes me laugh at him. All of this is in good fun, and it’s obvious that Simon didn’t take it seriously for ever a moment, so it makes his choice of an ‘eagle’ all the more funny. It’s probably the only honest he gave all the way through.

 

Except that comment about ‘thunder,’ which was too real.

 

“I think I’d like a parrot, honestly,” I share. Normals seem quite fond of parrots. Being average and predictable and usual? It sounds absolutely amazing. Penny doesn’t seem to doubt my answer and quickly makes her notes before scrolling to the next question.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE IS IN YOUR BACKYARD WITH YOUR PET BIRD?**

 

_-dragon_

_-griffin_

_-pegasus_

_-hydra_

_-unicorn_

* * *

 

All together we shout, “Unicorn.”

 

Because duh. Even I know how predictable my answer is. Who doesn’t love unicorns?

 

* * *

 

**WHAT DO YOU THINK IS YOUR BEST QUALITY?**

_-adaptive_

_-romantic_

_-independent_

_-gentle_

_-strategic_

* * *

 

I never thought that the cricket sounds that often denote an awkward silence were real, but I swear I hear crickets at the end of this question. Abandoning my magical upbringing and being, for all intents and purposes, a _Normal_ – it boggles their minds. Nothing about makes a lick of sense. I’ve done enough to Simon and played the minimal roles I had to in order to appease my wants and needs, so I can clearly tell that they don’t think any of these qualities actually describe me.

 

And while that pisses me off quite a bit, I cannot blame them. There’s still a lot of growing up that I need to do. I guess I had the luxury of not feeling burdened. Baz had his secret about being a vampire looming in the background; Penny wanted to be as brilliant as her parents expected and more, so that thirst for success pushed her forward; and Simon was The Chosen One, so he was always stressed about living up to this premeditated expectation that was assigned to him. I really just had teenage angst, and even that probably wasn’t all that bad, I guess. I don’t know.

 

I have to make the call completely on my own. Even if these guys don’t agree with me, I know how I feel about myself. I know what kind of woman I’m trying to be, which means I know what my answer is and I don’t care if they agree.

 

_I’m adaptive as hell, motherfuckers._

 

* * *

 

**YOU’VE FLED TO ROME! WHAT IS YOUR NEW ALIAS?**

 

_-venus_

_-minerva_

_-ceres_

_-juno_

_-vesta_

 

* * *

 

“What hogwash,” he says. I mean, it’s Baz saying it. I’m shocked. I expected Penny to be the sort to complain about the quiz and it’s accuracy. Apparently it’s a thing now that Baz knows about Greek Mythology.

 

Penny agrees quickly. “These quizzes would be really easy to cheat if you know anything about mythology. I can’t believe that they even put the Roman names on here.”

 

I swear that they eye roll in unison. I’ve never seen anything so glorious and horrifying.

 

I’m a little bit familiar with all of the names, but only so far that I’ve heard them before at some point. I couldn’t exactly match any of the names to a goddess or a character from one of the mythos stories. Either way, there is one that sort of stands out to me. “I like Ceres, I think,” and I watch as Penny jots down the final slog of points before refreshing the page and handing her iPad over to me.

 

Soon, I’ll know which Greek Goddess is supposed to be my mom. Pathetically, I couldn’t be more excited to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

** PENELOPE BUNCE **

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE COLORS DO YOU LIKE BEST?**

_-blue_

_-red_

_-black_

_-violet_

_-green_

 

* * *

 

I wrote down my answers on a piece of paper. Agatha is going to catch on. Baz will catch on too. I think Simon will ignore it if he notices because if he can’t see the proof, then he won’t worry about it. He is a simple man and, mostly, I love that about it. There’s something to be said about the guy that takes the world exactly as it is – he enjoys it for what it gives and not what it takes.

 

Simon is way too messed up to properly be that guy, but he’s a version of that guy. So I’ll take him and love him and nurture him no matter what condition I’ve found him in, because he deserves it. The world deserves more people like Simon Snow, honestly.

 

“Violet. Because my hair,” and I swear to fucking everything holy and pure that I squeal and flip my hair. It is the most dramatic and insulting thing I’ve ever done, please forgive me, and I regret it. I regret it so hard so fast.

 

Agatha sort draws out a caw-meets-moan noise before she just tracks the points and moves on as if I never did the thing.

 

But I can’t pretend – the thing has been done.

 

* * *

 

**IF YOU WERE A GODDESS, WHICH OF THESE DO YOU THINK YOU COULD RULE OVER?**

_-love_

_-fire_

_-fertility_

_-marriage_

_-war_

 

* * *

 

“War,” which seems obvious.

 

Simon makes a creaky door sort of squawk which Baz mocks straight away. There seems to be some discord. I don’t plan on changing my answer though. By default, because none of the other four answers apply to me, I must be war. Besides, my knowledge of the goddesses makes my interpretation of the answers a little bit broader. I know Athena is the Goddess of Wisdom, but she is also a warrior goddess. So in a way, what I’m really picking here is the “intelligence” rather than war.

 

I don’t tell any of them that. It sounds arrogant. I mean, it is, but I don’t want them to point it out to me.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH SYMBOL WOULD MAKE A GOOD LOGO FOR YOUR ACTIONS?**

 

_-minimalist dove_

_-minimalist owl_

_-maybe a sign for wheat, maybe a sign for a flower_

_-a pagoda looking shape_

_-a female symbol being birthed from an asterisk_

 

* * *

 

Truth be told, I’m secretly obsessed with owls.

 

Also, I love otters. I do not want to talk about it.

 

* * *

 

**BIRDS! WHICH BIRD WOULD YOU KEEP AS A PET?**

_-peacock_

_-eagle_

_-dove_

_-owl_

_-parrot_

 

* * *

 

Simon points his fingers at me. Well, his _finger guns_ , and he’s sort of pretending to shoot at me. I think he’s shooting eagles because he keeps saying. “You know you want one!” when he is blasting at me.

 

Sadly, he’s kind of right. “Eagle, unfortunately, _is_ my answer.”

 

“You told me not to pick it!”

 

“What are you doing, Bunce? Are you mad?”

 

“Join me on the dark side!”

 

“What happened to your love of owls?”

 

Listen, I don’t owe anyone an explanation. But I do make a quip back. “I already have an owl. It’s tattooed on my foot because I made the same mistake as Wellbelove over here.”

 

Oh yes, I too would get an owl tattooed on my foot. I’d probably have my eagle perched on the back of my seat while it happened too.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE IS IN YOUR BACKYARD WITH YOUR PET BIRD?**

 

_-dragon_

_-griffin_

_-pegasus_

_-hydra_

_-unicorn_

* * *

 

“Griffin,” I declare, and nobody seems surprised.

 

“To go with your eagle, right?” Agatha jokes, although she has a strange expression that tells me she isn’t amused. I know that she’s gathered that I pre-picked answers by now, so I feel like she’s just mad that I’m not humoring her with every question.

 

The amount of fucks I give is exactly zero.

 

0.00% fucks are present. “My eagle can fly with my griffin. They’ll be best friends.”

 

God, this is almost as cringe worthy as my squeal paired with that diva hair flip.

 

* * *

 

**WHAT DO YOU THINK IS YOUR BEST QUALITY?**

_-adaptive_

_-romantic_

_-independent_

_-gentle_

_-strategic_

 

* * *

 

“Strategic,” Simons says.

 

“Definitely,” Baz agrees.

 

“It’s unanimous,” Agatha decides. I mean, the only person that _can_ decide is _me_. But, of course, I do agree.

 

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, apparently,” I grumble.

 

* * *

 

**YOU’VE FLED TO ROME! WHAT IS YOUR NEW ALIAS?**

 

_-venus_

_-minerva_

_-ceres_

_-juno_

_-vesta_

 

* * *

I know who the Greek equivalents are for these Roman names.

 

Venus? I know that that is Aphrodite. A lot of people see her as this useless sort of goddess, and I guess that it’s possible that she could be useless in a lot of situations. Proper intellectuals, though, would know – almost everything is motivated by love or hate. And if someone is capable of hatred then they were once capable of loving.

 

So she is super important in her own way in the sense that, at the very least, she is an integral part of all people and their motivations.

 

But I will not take her Roman name.

 

Minerva? That’s _supposed_ to be the equivalent of Athena. Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to talk about Minerva and Athena as comparable goddesses, though, when they simply are not. Minerva had more in common with the Greek goddess Etruscan. I mean, I really feel connected to Athena – which is why I just can’t feel that way about the name Minerva. So this is not my Roman name.

 

Ceres? More like Demeter. She is a pretty wholesome woman considering her peers in Olympus. Generally speaking, her reputation is pretty good. She is the goddess of harvest, or agriculture, essentially. She presided over other things, too, but her imagery is this fantastical gardener. How many gardeners have you met that you hated? I’m not a Ceres. Not by a long shot.

 

So Juno, or rather Hera – or Vesta, better known as Hestia?

 

Hera is a proper mess. Her relationship with Zeus is toxic at best, and she does a ton of heinous acts in the name of revenge towards her shitty husband. As for Hestia, she’s pretty average when everything is considered. While there are myths about her rule over fire amongst various other things, such as family and architecture, she isn’t generally heard of in the most famous mythos.

 

Neither of them feels quite right either.

 

“Earth to Penny?” Agatha snaps, both with her voice and her fingers. I’ve been silent for too long. I look at my notes. I wrote down Juno, originally, feeling that despite how awful she can be – she is truly powerful and self-assured. But the more I think about it – is that really me? Could I commit the horrible things that she’s done? Juno is kinder and pretty different from Hera, but…

 

“Vesta,” I choose coolly. If I had to choose between being a bitter wife and maiden by the fireside… Give me a piece of that simple life.

 

“Interesting,” Baz whispers, turning just enough that I can see his judging eyes.

 

I don’t care what he thinks because at the end of the day – I know that I secured the Greek Goddess I would enjoy most as my mother.


	4. Chapter 4

** TYRANNUS BASILTON “BAZ” GRIMM PITCH **

* * *

 

**WHICH ANIMAL WOULD MAKE THE BEST COMPANION?**

_-bear_

_-eagle_

_-cat_

_-dog_

_-wolf_

 

* * *

 

I’ve been sort of waiting for Penny to be done with her quiz to actually do mine with Simon, mostly because I’m nosy. All eyes are on me as I answer my first question. I think with my being a vampire, they just assume that I would want whichever animal would give me the most blood to consume. They’re thinking I’ll pick the bear.

 

And they’re confident I won’t pick the eagle.

 

To be fair, _I’m_ confident I won’t pick eagle. What the actual hell was going through Simon and Penny’s minds when they made that choice? I am properly confused.

 

I decide, why not choose an animal that’s going to live as long as me and is as ruthless too? “Cat.”

 

“Cat?” they all question in unison.

 

Sass bubbling in my throat, I can’t resist the remark that comes immediately to might. “Our fangs match.”

 

Yeah, nobody finds it nearly as funny as I do.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE WORDS BEST DESCRIBES YOUR PERSONALITY?**

_-emotional_

_-passionate_

_-positive_

_-destructive_

_-vengeful_

* * *

 

“I would like to make an argument that Baz is passionate,” Simon starts, mostly trying to convince me to not pick what the one he knows is speaking to me. Even Penny joins in his effort. “I would say that passion definitely is the reason behind most of Baz’s decisions.”

 

Agatha and I make the most uncomfortable eye contact ever. She wouldn’t agree with either of them, and she knows I don’t either. Without saying a word, we both sort of decide that the best way to get through this is to just say it.

 

“I’m destructive in every way.”

 

* * *

 

**WHAT COLOR EYES DO YOU HAVE (OR WHAT COLOR CONTACTS WOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAD THE CHOICE)?**

_-black_

_-blue_

_-brown_

_-golden_

_-white_

* * *

 

Well, this feels like a trick question. I have these strange eyes that are really three or four colors at any given time. One of those colors, green, isn’t even listed. So I guess I’m stuck choosing which eye color I feel would suit me most.

 

“You are _not_ a twilight vampire, Baz,” Agatha remarks, giggling in a tone that makes me want to throw something large at her face. Thankfully, Penny whacks her in the knee. “Baz is whatever kind of vampire he wants to be.”

 

Simon rolls his neck and then runs his fingers through his hair from behind. I bite my tongue to hide my actual gasp of awe. I don’t need to answer, I don’t think, because he’ll answer for me. Whatever he wants my eyes to look like is exactly what I’d pick. Because I’m trash for Simon Snow.

 

I’m not even embarrassed. “I actually feel like when you’re happiest your eyes look more blue.”

 

I don’t even have to tell him to mark me down for it. He just knows. God, I love him.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE SUPER POWERS/ABILITIES DO YOU MOST DESIRE?**

_-perfect memory_

_-invisibility_

_-possession_

_-telepathy_

_-shapeshifting_

 

* * *

 

I suspect Simon didn’t choose perfect memory for the same reasons I’m not choosing it. I’m also pretty sure that he didn’t choose telepathy because neither of us wants to hear the other’s thoughts. What if it’s not what we want to hear? I mean, sometimes we want to know but it’s better to just ask, right? A veil of innocence; a veil of ignorance; a veil of protection; I very much like that veil.

 

“Invisibility,” I find myself deciding. It isn’t for the perverted reasons I could easily make this about, but rather about just not having anyone see me drinking. I don’t have to keep my vampirism a secret anymore. That doesn’t stop the urge to pretend I’m not affected by it, though. I want to be as normal as possible.

  
That also means not being found out as I drink a deer dry.

 

Simon marks it down, looks at me for a long moment, and then seems to accept my answer at face value. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

**DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PLANET FROM THIS LIST?**

 

_-jupiter_

_-vulcan_

_-mars_

_-pluto_

_-neptune_

* * *

 

I cringe at this question for the second time. “Seriously, Vulcan? A planet?” Penny dramatically throws herself off of the couch cushion and then saunters into the kitchen, complaining about how this one question gave her an absolutely headache. Agatha follows behind her saying something about getting some tea.

 

“Pluto isn’t a planet either,” Simon mumbles, clearly reading news articles from a few years back. How did he miss this update? The disappointment is apparent in his expression and I break.

 

“What a pity,” I don’t even mean to be flirty. It just happens. I bat my eyes and all. Simon – I’m pretty sure he fucking melts when I coo my answer breathily. “It’s my favorite one.” Someone needs to put me in a time out.

 

Thinking this makes me cringe. What’s wrong with me?

 

I mean, besides the obvious things wrong with me.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH DOMAIN WOULD YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE CONTROLLING?**

 

_-fire_

_-thunder_

_-sea_

_-sun_

_-war_

* * *

 

“Don’t insult me by making me answer this question,” I groan, poking my feet out to stretch. I catch Simon eyeball me from the corner of my eye. His attention is only broken by my moan of relief. It’s a bit erotic in a fucked up way.

 

* * *

 

**BE HONEST, WHICH GREEK GOD IS YOUR FAVORITE?**

_-zeus_

_-poseidon_

_-hephaestus_

_-ares_

_-apollo_

* * *

 

My eyebrows do the bounce, the ‘hey baby’ bounce that people do when they’re about to say something super awful to someone they like. I do that and then I lick my lips, making a real show out of my stupid question. “Which one them is a ginger?”

 

Agatha fakes vomiting somewhere to my right. I’m focused on Simon. I swear I see the sweat form on his brow form in slow motion. “Or freckles. I’m partial to both.”

 

“Oh my fucking god, Baz, _shut up_ ,” Penny demands.

 

She’s right. “Apollo,” I say, though I censor myself. I’ve researched the gods here and there for no reason in particular. I see tons of art depicting Apollo. There’s something inherently sensual and delicate about him. I really like it. It reminds me of Simon in a way. A weird, potentially fantasy-based way…

 

“Cool,” Simon mutters nervously. I don’t think he knows what to do with me when I act like this. He’s not alone because I don’t really know how to turn it off now that I don’t have to. Bless Simon Snow for putting up with me.

 

“So, boys, who’s your daddy?”

 

Why, Agatha, _why_ do you say such _stupid_ things?


	5. Chapter 5

**TYRANNUS BASILTON “BAZ” GRIMM PITCH :**

**Answers: Cat, Destructive, Blue, Invisibility, Pluto, Fire, and Apollo**

**Total Points: 220**

_Your Greek God Father is APOLLO._

_Best know as the God of Music, Apollo also presides over other noteworthy aspects of life such as: medicine, knowledge, truth, and prophecy. Unable to speak a lie, many of Apollo’s traits are positive._

_We expect that your friends would describe you using one or more of the following words:_

  * _Peaceful_
  * _Important_
  * _Complex_
  * _Youthful_
  * _Focused_
  * _Defender_



* * *

 

Agatha rolls her eyes. There amount of hate between us is kind of ridiculous. “I mean, not _all_ of those words are appropriate.”

 

“They didn’t say _all_ of them have to describe him, Agatha,” Simon bites defensively. I already know what his answer is, of course, but I think it’s wrong. He didn’t give serious thought to his answers. Maybe he’s no God of Truth, but the godly parent he got? It couldn’t be a bigger mismatch if he tried to botch the quiz on purpose.

 

“Yeah Wellbelove,” I hiss. “Fuck off!”

 

“So, on that note…” Penny interjects, standing to announce her own godly parent?

 

* * *

 

** PENELOPE BUNCE: **

**Answers: Violet, War, Owl, Eagle, Griffin, Strategic, and Vesta**

**Total Points: 90**

_You Greek Goddess Mother is ATHENA._

_Not a goddess to pick a fight with, Athena is know as the Goddess of Wisdom – though her prowess in combat makes her comparable to Ares on the battlefield. In addition to being the goddess associated with wisdom and war, she has good craftsmanship of many varieties. Athena is definitely a goddess to envy._

_We expect that your friends would describe you using one or more of the following words:_

  * _Strong_
  * _Cunning_
  * _Independent_
  * _Wise_
  * _Fair_
  * _Courageous_
  * _Heroic_



* * *

 

“Accurate.”

 

I mean, of course it’s accurate. Even if I wasn’t answering honestly, it wouldn’t have been hard to manufacture my answer. I guess I should just count myself grateful that they identify the similarities between us. Also, this quiz doesn’t matter so…

 

That makes their monotonous and unplanned reply seem less – accusing?

 

* * *

 

 

** AGATHA WELLBELOVE **

**Answers: Green, Fertility, Maybe-Wheat-Maybe-Flower Symbol, Parrot, Unicorn, Adaptive, Ceres**

**Total Points: 220**

_Your Greek Goddess Mother is APHRODITE._

_Chances are that it’s not surprise to you that you’re a daughter of Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. As one might expect, Aphrodite is also the goddess for things such as beauty, pleasure, and sex (although, your parents would probably prefer we say procreation). To the untrained eye, these may seem like matters focused in vanity, but a true daughter of Aphrodite sees beyond the surface and values everything for what it truly is._

_We expect that your friends would describe you using one or more of the following words:_

  * _Attractive_
  * _Sensual_
  * _Protective_
  * _Weak_
  * _Lovely_
  * _Passionate_
  * _Watchful_



* * *

 

“Well, _one_ of those words is right,” he says. I guess that’s what I get for joking with him earlier. I deserve it, I guess, to some degree. I’m not going to let it get under my skin. So I turn it into a joke.

 

I poke my fingers towards my eyes and then throw the hand gesture towards him. “Watchful as hell, Basilton.”

 

He was mine before he was yours, and nothing can change that. He thought I was could protect him before he ever though you could. He was passionate about me before he even knew you were an option. He thought I was lovely, and I was attractive, and all of it was before you were anything more than that maybe-vampire-jerk who shared a room with him at Watford.

 

* * *

 

** SIMON SNOW **

**Answers: Eagle, Emotional, Blue, Shapeshifting, Neptune, Thunder, and Hephaestus**

**Total Points: 140**

_Your Greek God Father is ZEUS._

_There’s no god bigger than Zeus, is there? Even though he was only referred to as the god of the sky and thunder, Zeus was the father of gods and goddesses, King of Olympus! He has many children and did not seem concerned about stopping at any certain number. Many people, goddesses, and creatures are enamored by his power and his charm._

_We expect that your friends would describe you using one or more of the following words:_

  * _Leader_
  * _Smart_
  * _Strong_
  * _Wise_
  * _Carefree_
  * _Prudent_
  * _Unpredictable_
  * _Merciful_



* * *

 

“This test is bullshit!” I shout. I mean, I didn’t think it was going to give me the best answer for me anyway. I guessed on some of the questions. I didn’t really think about them. I feel like if I did this on my own the results would be different…

 

“No, I definitely see it,” Agatha says, laughing at me as I stomp away.

 

Yes, I am absolutely having a temper tantrum about this. Nobody wants to be associated with Zeus. He sucks. He fucking sucks.

 

I flip her off as I round the corner.

 

I am so fucking glad we’re not together anymore. I didn’t realize what a nightmare she can be until she wasn’t mine. Thank the gods for Baz.

 

I’m going to retake this stupid test in my bedroom. alone.

 

“You didn’t really believe that, did you?” Baz butts into my thoughts so effortlessly and slides through the door way as it is swinging closed.

 

Okay.

 

I amend my statement.

 

I’m going to retake this stupid test in my bedroom. _alone_. _with Baz_.


	6. Chapter 6

** SIMON SNOW: **

**REDO**  

 

* * *

 

 

We are sitting on the bed with our shoulders and knees touching. Baz pulls up the quiz on his phone while I sit with the notebook and paper I keep at my bedside table. I’m tapping the pen while he waits for the page to load.

 

“I don’t know either of my parents, so like, what if my mom is the goddess and my dad is just some regular guy who went insane after my goddess mom skipped town?” Baz is listening to me rambling. I don’t know why what I’m saying sounds familiar somehow. Maybe I’d seen a movie about Greek gods where something like that was said? I don’t know why I’m getting so bent out of shape over a stupid, baseless test, but leave it to be emotional. Maybe they were right – I’m not destructive, I’m fucking emotional.

 

“I agree,” Baz says so calmly I’m actually kind of confused about it. “Really?”

 

He thinks about it, but it’s dramatic so I know he’s just trying to make me doubt him. I like how he does things like that, points out my insecurities, without making me feel like an idiot. Agatha always puts me on the spot, or always sort of put me down thinking that it would somehow make my problem disappear. The shit that bothered me though, none of that was in my head, none of it was pretend, so trying to make it disappear did nothing for me. Baz is carefree about it and doesn’t really force me to get over it. He just plays around until I realize that, yeah, I’m being a bit nuts.

 

“Yeah, I think that works. It was a bit sexist to make the boys figure out who their dad was without asking. Like, my mom died when I was young, so what if she didn’t die? What if she was a goddess and she was just called back to Olympus so her death was faked? We all should’ve taken different tests.” Baz monologues and I love it. He makes a great point. We should have been able to choose which quiz spoke to us more. I get wanting to keep it even, or keep it simple, but it would’ve been easier to let everyone just choose what quiz they felt like taking. I love Baz for being able to see this. “I’ve got it pulled up when you’re ready.”

 

“Let’s do this,” and I emphasize the way I saw ‘this’ so that it’s perfectly clear I’m not propositioning him for sex. Of course, I wouldn’t be doing that. I’m not ready yet. But it doesn’t stop Baz from doing everything he can to push my buttons. That’s completely off topic though. I’m just thinking about it because of his behavior in the living room and that fact that he’s wearing jeans.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH OF THESE COLORS DO YOU LIKE BEST?**

_-blue_

_-red_

_-black_

_-violet_

_-green_

 

* * *

 

I am not going to spend a lot of time thinking these through. I just want to answer them honestly and quickly. Spending too much time on a question could result in overthinking. This one, thankfully, is pretty easy. “Red.”

 

Sour Cherry Scones, man. Red reminds me of my favorite food.

 

* * *

 

**IF YOU WERE A GODDESS, WHICH OF THESE DO YOU THINK YOU COULD RULE OVER?**

_-love_

_-fire_

_-fertility_

_-marriage_

_-war_

 

* * *

 

“You would be a very sexy goddess, if you don’t mind my saying,” he snickers quietly. I know he wanted me to hear him but at the same time I think he wants me to focus too. I want to focus. Since this quiz means _so_ damn much to me and all.

 

But I don’t think the choice is really that hard. “Love,” I remark airily. I really think that love is important. I thought I loved Agatha and it was everything to me, I was defined by that inclination that I loved her. When that was gone, I was shattered. During the time I was sort of forcing myself to work with it and be patient with the bumps, I was hanging on by a thread. Now that I’m with Baz, and I know that I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with him every single day – I’m defined by _that_ feeling now. Love is something I cannot live without, I guess. It makes me sound pathetic but I don’t even feel bad about it.

 

* * *

 

**WHICH SYMBOL WOULD MAKE A GOOD LOGO FOR YOUR ACTIONS?**

 

_-minimalist dove_

_-minimalist owl_

_-maybe a sign for wheat, maybe a sign for a flower_

_-a pagoda looking shape_

_-a female symbol being birthed from an asterisk_

 

* * *

 

I’m not proud of it, but I’m thinking like the girls. Which of these symbols would I be alright having on my person, be it a tattoo or a piece of jewelry, for the rest of my life. Baz pulls up what the pictures look like and I study each of them. I mean, all of them look like shit, so none of them really appeal to me.

 

But I can’t stop coming back to this pagoda looking symbol. It feels right, somehow, almost like it belongs to me. So I choose that one.

 

* * *

 

**BIRDS! WHICH BIRD WOULD YOU KEEP AS A PET?**

_-peacock_

_-eagle_

_-dove_

_-owl_

_-parrot_

 

* * *

 

“Please don’t pick the fucking eagle again,” Baz begs.

 

“No way,” I reply. “Have you seen a peacock? They’re fucking majestic, Baz.”

 

After he raises a brow, I assert myself once more to be sure. “Majestic!”

 

* * *

 

**WHICH MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE IS IN YOUR BACKYARD WITH YOUR PET BIRD?**

 

_-dragon_

_-griffin_

_-pegasus_

_-hydra_

_-unicorn_

* * *

 

Together we agree, “Dragon.”

 

Because, well, I’m also a dragon. I would definitely pretend that my dragon was my brother or sister. Hell, give me two dragons – one boy, one girl, both fire breathing superheroes.

 

* * *

 

**WHAT DO YOU THINK IS YOUR BEST QUALITY?**

_-adaptive_

_-romantic_

_-independent_

_-gentle_

_-strategic_

 

* * *

 

Baz looks at me. I know he wants to answer this question for me.

 

I considered my answer earlier when the girls were taking the quiz. I’ve had to be each of these things at some point in my life for some reason. It’s not that I can’t be, or that I haven’t been, one of these things. I just have to pick which one describes me the best; which one am I more often?

 

That’s how I decide that I’m gentle. I’m not a leader like Penny or Baz. I’m not self-assured like Agatha. I’m not even daring and assertive that way Penny’s roommate Trixie was back at Watford. I’m just – gentle. I’m just Simon.

 

“I completely agree,” Baz whispers, sneaking a kiss onto my cheek. Seriously, I feel the hair on my skin stand straight up, and my tail nearly flicks him in the back of the head from my excitement. It’s disgusting how often I want to kiss him.

 

* * *

 

**YOU’VE FLED TO ROME! WHAT IS YOUR NEW ALIAS?**

 

_-venus_

_-minerva_

_-ceres_

_-juno_

_-vesta_

 

* * *

 

These are obviously womens’ names. “I think I have to choose Ceres.”

 

“Agreed.”

 

It’s the only name that sounds ambiguous enough to belong to a man or a woman, and while I don’t know what my sexuality is or what my ambitions are – I am definitely assured that I am a guy. My gender identity is not in crises right now, thank goodness, and so I choose the name that could fit my gender identity the best – since, otherwise, the names mean nothing to me.

 

* * *

 

This time the quiz went so smoothly. I didn’t feel stressed or upset at all. Baz tallies my points and I’m so at ease that I lay back on my bed. With hands behind my head, I speak through curling lips. “Thanks for being here for me even when I am clearly a mess.”

 

“You’re my mess, and I have no plans on sharing you.”

 

I love that about him. I’m his and there’s not debate about it. And – really – I don’t want there to be.

 

* * *

 

 

** SIMON SNOW **

** REDO: **

 

**Answers: Red, Love, Pagoda Shape, Peacock, Dragon, Gentle, and Ceres**

**Total Points: 180**

_Your Greek Goddess Mother is APHRODITE._

_Chances are that it’s not surprise to you that you’re a daughter of Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. As one might expect, Aphrodite is also the goddess for things such as beauty, pleasure, and sex (although, your parents would probably prefer we say procreation). To the untrained eye, these may seem like matters focused in vanity, but a true daughter of Aphrodite sees beyond the surface and values everything for what it truly is._

_We expect that your friends would describe you using one or more of the following words:_

  * _Attractive_
  * _Sensual_
  * _Protective_
  * _Weak_
  * _Lovely_
  * _Passionate_
  * _Watchful_



* * *

 

“Are you saying I dated my sister for - like – years?”

 

I swear I’m going to throw up. This is just a quiz, right? So why do I feel sick?

 

Baz is cackling, of course, because he thinks it’s super hilarious. “Incest is a staple of Greek mythology. I mean, the gods and goddesses reproduce with each other and technically they’re siblings, so, is it a surprise?”

 

Uh, yeah Baz, it’s a fucking surprise to me.

 

“I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach,” and that’s my cue to lean over into the trashcan. I’m gagging.

 

Baz, of course, makes a strong point. “Well, at least we know why you guys weren’t ever going to work out. You’re technically siblings!”

 

Yeah, super hilarious. I’m glad he’s getting a kick out it. But…

 

I don’t know who my parents are. I don’t know anything about my family. So I think the fact that Agatha’s parents were so welcoming to me; so accepting of me; and that there were times where it almost felt like I was more than a boyfriend to their daughter but an actually child in their family…

 

Oh god, what if she really _was my sister?_

 

“Simon,” Baz says, leaning over the side of the bed. “It’s just a quiz. The only person who has any claim to you is me. Okay?”

 

I don’t want this to be our ‘I love you’ or anything. But like… “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole concept was inspired by my buddy othrys. She has a really out-of-the-box style and a knack for writing list stories. Sometimes she comes up with these neat adaptations and concept crossovers that blow me away. And while this definitely wasn't as serious or beautiful as some of her work, I hope that I was able to do some justice to the inspiration she gives me in all of these subtle little ways. I wouldn't even be a part of this fandom without her lending her copy of 'Carry On' to me a year ago. She's a great person and I'm thankful to share this fandom love with her.
> 
> And thank you for reading. It must have be a crazy read but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Feel free to check out my more serious stories for an equally wild ride.
> 
> \--ab


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